Relationships - 4 kinds of love, How to Succeed in Relationships

 I’ve mentioned my best friend Sander a few times. While I didn’t see this, his tale about our college friend Bruce is one youth in any awkward situation understand. You might not see how this ties in with knowing God’s will at first, but you will.

Our friend Bruce wanted to ask Ellen, a friend of Sander’s, out. Even in college, Bruce was quite bashful and awkward. He asked Sander how to tell Ellen he liked her. Sander said “How about giving her a rose?” Bruce gets Ellen a rose, and when she asks Bruce why he gave her a rose, Bruce says, “Because Sander told me to.”

Even without something like Asperger’s which really makes communicating hard, it can be hard to interact with others. In Bruce’s case, part of it was hormones making him too anxious. But, a lot was because we have a culture where people do all this stuff (a lot of it nonverbal) to show we like someone instead of just developing a relationship.

Greek has 4 kinds of love: 1. Eros (all feelings - eros for a person is as shallow as for your favorite food); 2. Phileos (brotherly or very close friend love); 3. Sturgeos (family); &, 4. Agape (pronounced uh-gah*-pay), which means total, unconditional love.

Think about how the world sees things. It focuses on what people can get, not on what they can give. I love cake, but if I eat too much I get a tummyache. I wouldn’t want any for a bit. I’m sure you’d feel the same about your favorite food a little, right? That’s why I say eros for a person is no different than for your favorite food. I mean, what did you ever do for that cake or pizza or whatever? Even if you made it, you just want to eat it, not help it succeed in life. I have funny thoughts on that in my latest post at YouthOvercomingtheWorld.blogspot.com. That’s why God wants us to focus on deeper, more meaningful things.

    It shows why fighting, wrath, etc is wrong, too. God says to work things out, like with the Matthew 18 principle, and not get tied up in our own feelings. His perfect Word and truth should be the center of what we stand on, not our own thoughts.

How does this relate to knowing God’s will? You won’t learn your future mate in the Bible. But, you will find guidelines. Some are clear. It was common sense once not to datge just to “had a boy/girlfriend.” You got to know people as friends, even with the awkwardness Bruce had in that story. You saw more of each other while talking and doing things together. People didn’t feel as much need to be with someone.

Did people get carried away? Sure, some did. Still, they knew they had responsibilities. They usually made sure they were best friends & had already developed that storge type of love. They followed Godly principles in choosing a mate.

In other words, someone following Godly principles would not be thinking only about what they wanted, but be thinking about others too.

This relates to other relationships, too. Even with pets. We think of them as far as making sure they get water and food. If someone is allergic or some other problem occurs we try to find them a good home. And that is something where we do think mostly about what we want when it comes to a pet; we still think of others there. Sure, some of our thoughts aren’t what they should be if we’re not careful. For instance, Dalmatian spots are cute, right? Well, when “101 Dalmatians” came out, lots of people wanted them. But they didn’t know anything else about them. It turns out that these dogs need to run around like crazy, like on a farm. Also, around30% of Dalmatians are deaf. These are things someone could find out through research. But some people still got a dog that was deaf and tore up their small apartment because they just wanted one because spots looked cute. :-)

I'm sure none of you would buy a dog only seeing its spots. You think about and plan for things, research, etc.. My last dog was a golden retriever I had for 14 years. In working at dogs, I visited one person who was selling a chocolate Labrador retriever. It was almost invisible because he dashed around like crazy and in fact when we went to visit just ran off. That dog was better off on the farm... Preferably one that was about three or four square miles. :-) Thankfully, I waited and found a really good dog instead.

People are much more important than animals, of course. But that proves we shouldn’t choose our relationships with people on our own wants and desires, either. We should never just use a relationship for what we can get out of it. That’s what we do with food. That's why it's vital to listen to parents and other adults and, obey any rule that is not unbiblical. Even when disobeying a rule because the rule is non-Biblical, we should be polite and respectful. Because, we are showing God's love that way.

We should look at how we can help others, too. But, there are times when a friend or someone else needs us to focus fully on them; or when we need someone to focus on us. How do we handle those types of things? Remember, as you do, so shall it be done unto you. Not always by the same people, but you will have help.

So, for instance, say a friend is feeling really down. It’s important to just sit and let them talk sometimes. Yes, we can give friendly advice, but that often comes later, once they have gotten things off their chest. That person might or might not do the same for you; some have had so much pain in their lives they can’t totally do it till we help the, build them up. But, God will provide someone to help you. Prayer can be like that; we might never meet those we pray for on Earth, but if we pray, there’s more chance someone will pray for us.

So, certainly give of yourself to friends. Be like my best friend Rick, who always picked people up if they needed rides – or saw that they got them – always welcomed peope into his home – but never allowed alcohol and people accepted that because he was so friendly. He stood for the things he felt were important. Because he was so outgoing, people respected him and followed the rules he had for his home. Some of the people he drove places couldn’t drive him places, but they could do other things for him. Or, they could just be friends and have a good time; because that’s what it was all about. When he died, well over a dozen of the friends he had met through being a Packers fan raised their hand to say they trusted Christ as their Saviour after the message the pastor preached. He had that much of an impact.

We can have an impact here, too, of course. And, he did. That’s just a great example of how he earned reward in Heaven even beyond our lifetimes.

Look back at those four types of love for a moment. Did you ever notice how much deeper the needs are which are met as you go up the ladder?

Using our silly food comparisona gain, when you’re’ with that cake, pizza, spaghetti, or whatever, you might enjoy looking at it – maybe so much you take a picture of it. But, once you eat it, all you have left is a memory, right? I can tell you about some great food I’ve had – Gigi’s spaghetti in Treasure Island or Harry Caray’s in Chicago; chocolate malts at Wrigley Field; barbecue in Kansas City; and so on. But, if I was relying on a meal I had in 1990 to keep me filled, I’d have died of hunger over 30 years ago. In the same way, you can’t rely on the fact someone looks nice, or some exciting times with them, to keep you satisfied. Relationships are meant to be so much deeper. Consider this Nathaniel Hawthorne quote: “Our Creator would never have made such lovely days, and have given us the deep hearts to enjoy them, above and beyond all thought, unless we were meant to be immortal.”

What Hawthorne is saying is that the beauty of Creation should trigger something in us that helps us realize things that matter are things that last. See how that ladder goes up in types of relationships. The one is just desires and is fleeting. A close friendship is needed first in any loving relationship between a husband and wife so they can then develop that sturgeos bond, a family bond. Thagt’s because it’s meant to be stable, and rock solid, more solid than just a close friendship, and much more solid than just a crush.

And then, of course, agape love is the kind God has. Sturgeos can come close, but God loved us while we were yet sinners(Rom. 5:8), while we were enemies of His. On the cross He cried out, “Forgive them, Father, they know not what they do” and told the thief on the cross – who had been cursing him a moment before but then started thinking and realized he needed Jesus to save him – that he was forgiven.(Luke 23)

    Back to marriage for a second, I've heard it said that the real vows are taken in weeks and months leading up to the ceremony. This is where a couple discusses things like child-rearing, money, what happens if one gets a job elsewhere, sees how they care for each other, etc. One looks at the "body of work" by examining their partner in how they are with friends (do they defend them or tell raunchy jokes about them, etc.), how they treat their parents or others in their life, whether any children are comfortable with that partner, etc.. Marriage is, indeed, just a piece of paper, but so is a diploma. Just as a diploma is only given someone who passed the required courses, that license is only for those who complete the tests leading up to it. (And yes, there are 'honorary degrees," but those are like when a child who lacks a parent says "She/He has been a mother/father to me," they have still passed crucial tests)

            You can see how this relates not only to boyfriends and girlfriends, but also how the very idea of relationships is that we as humans must realize we are created by God for a purpose. And, that purpose is to glorify Him and show Him through our care and compassion for others, through how we help and serve others as part of a team.

    Of course, there’s room for our own needs. When we grieve, God brings people into our lives to help us cope. When we’re troubled because we feel bitter, betrayed, or hurt, God comforts us with His Word and with others, using them to help us through our pain and to make good choices so we can heal.

    It’s amazing, I had no idea when I began to write this that someone was going to give me a prayer request like this. And, it ties in with her prayer needs so well. A lot boils down to how she was hurt in childhood, and some of that probably festers. Some people still struggle years later with things. People like that need prayer for loving, caring people to surround and help them. For a young mom, for instance, to make her know she’s loved. But, also to be willing and able to move forward, deal with her issues, and let the part of her show that is a kind, compassionate, caring person who loves to help others and wants to be a Godly mom. So many have that in them; God wants to use us to help bring that out by helping them through their problems. Even if just through prayer.